Best. eMail. Confirmation. Ever.

Standard

I’m a huge fan of Despair.com, enough that I occasionally, actually buy stuff from them. Here’s the automatic e-mail verification I received from them today:

Thank you for your recent order from Despair, Inc.

I’d like to personally welcome you to our growing body of Dissatisfied Customers(tm), but to do so might evidence some actual concern for service and protocol. This might then lead to customer satisfaction, which would defeat the purpose altogether. That is why you have received this generic, form-generated email, written by some nameless lackey in our marketing department.

Having established that any pretense of consideration for *your* needs would be counter-productive to our raison d’etre at Despair Inc, let us now ponder a subject of greater interest to those among us who are worthy of both of our collective attentions – that person being me.

While you sit there wincing in disbelief at these bon mots of authentic insincerity and vexed by the intrinsic contradictions, I find I am beside myself with awe at Despair’s latest venture in Social Media, the Despair.com Facebook page.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Despaircom/6481756842

Hardly a man given to superlatives, I must nevertheless assert with David-Lee-Rothian boldness that Despair’s embrace of Facebook is laying the foundation for one of the most revolutionary experiments in online media that you will ever witness. By joining Despair.com’s Facebook page, you’ll get closer access than you’ve ever had to the heart of the entire Despair, Inc. operation. Behind the scenes on photoshoots. Getting
inside scoops and access to exclusive coupon codes not being made available to public at large. First look at new videos Despair’s created?

I can already hear the chorus of delighted and disbelieving shouts?

“Does this REALLY mean Despair’s going to be releasing more videos? Finally? After all this time?”

Oh yes. A LOT more. So stay-tuned. And while you’re at our Facebook page, go ahead and LIKE us! (It’s really the least you could do after we’ve already stolen your money.)

At long last, after this lengthy exploitation of your attention for purely selfish marketing purposes, let us move on to yet another advertisement for our company.

In anticipation of your next question- “How can I subject myself to even further marketing attempts by Despair?” Well, you’re in luck! Because Despair offers several additional opportunities to be on the receiving end on a steady stream of angst wrapped inside advertisements and covered in coupons. Those willing to endure the agony of it all will find themselves rewarded often with savings and freebies beyond belief.

The Wailing List – (The Official E-Mail Newsletter of Despair)
http://www.despair.com/subscribe1.html

The Wailing List Twitter Feed (An Unofficial Experiment by a Marketing Peon in the Limits of Your Endurance- with an occasional coupon code thrown in…) http://twitter.com/wailinglist

Alas- if you find that even daily contact from the forces of Despair Marketing personnel is simply not enough to satisfy your needs, well… Seriously? You might need a hobby… The only people subjected to more frequent abuse at our hands are our employees- and take it from us, there is such a thing as too much of a bad thing…

If any of the information shown below is inaccurate, please notify us immediately using our Troubled Ticketing system.

http://www.despair.com/trti.html

We will rectify your error immediately, and on some occasions, without snickering.

It is the least we can do, which, as a matter of policy, is the most we can do.

Sincerely not really writing you this email,
E.L.

E.L.Kersten, Ph.D.
Founder & COO,
Despair, Inc.

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